Hip Like Badass
by RosaLui
Summary: Crack. "I hate everything," said Sasuke, chugging more from the bottle.  Sakura just fretted silently as Kakashi searched for the lost watermelon in the bushes.


**Disclaimer: **Not mine. :3

**A/N:** Derived from an insane conversation with Syrraki, in which she showed me a beautiful two-page spread from the latest Naruto manga, and I took one look at the idyllic scene of peace and asked why Sasuke was clearly drinking straight vodka at high noon. Based on - and best read after viewing - this photo: **pics**(dot)**livejournal**(dot)**com/rosalui/pic/000g5z4f/**

* * *

><p><strong>Hip Like Badass<strong>

* * *

><p>There were empty wine bottles in the watermelon bucket.<p>

Sakura frowned at them, brow furrowed and lips pursed, one hand holding down the sunhat shading her face.

"C'MON," Naruto was yelling from where he lay bellyflopped on the front porch, limbs aflail with enthusiasm as he peered into a wooden bucket containing two beetles at war. His own, marked by a piece of red tape across its back, scuttled about determinedly as Naruto cheered it on. "C'MON bug, you KICK HIS ASS or lose to that weak pasty-assed – OW."

Sasuke was glaring at him.

"Did you hit me with a BOTTLE Sasuke? You HIT me with a BOTTLE –"

Sasuke withdrew the offending object, sinking down on the step and cradling his head gingerly. "Oh my God, shut _up_."

"My bug is BEATING YOUR BUG'S BUTT, SASUKE," Naruto hollared, ignoring the bottle-shaped indentation in his face. "Hey SASUKE," he tried again, "Hey SASUKE, why are you HOLDING YOUR HEAD, does your HEAD HURT?"

Sasuke ignored him. Behind his back, Naruto grabbed a nearby pencil and added a bunch of marks under his own name on the score paper.

Standing some feet away under the warm and peaceful sun, Sakura sighed and looked down at the watermelon bucket again. There had been three melons only last night, not counting the one currently sliced up and sitting, ready to be eaten, on the front porch.

Three.

Now there were two. Two watermelons, and two empty wine bottles.

She glanced across the courtyard again – from Naruto, gesticulating wildly at his bug as he promised it riches and glory and ramen, to Sasuke, who was swaying slightly, eyes unfocused – and tugged at her sundress nervously.

"Um," she started. "Er."

Sasuke looked at her, eyes narrowed in suspiction, and attempted to hide the glass bottle in his hand under his shirt.

"HI SASUKE-KUN," she said, waving her arms madly and smiling, smiling largely, smiling insanely, smiling more convincingly than anyone else alive. "DON'T MIND ME. I'M JUST- I'M WATERING THE – THE MELONS. SEE?" She grabbed the garden hose and started watering the watermelons. "THE MELONS, SASUKE-KUN."

Sasuke grunted and looked away.

Behind him, Naruto was yelling happily at his beetle. "BEAT HIS ASS! IT IS YOUR DESTINY! YOU WILL BE HOKAGE-BUG!"

Sasuke groaned and held his head.

"Something wrong?" Said a voice in Sakura's ear. She shrieked and sprayed it with the hose.

"Well," said Kakashi, mask slowly getting wetter and wetter. "Well."

"Oh! Sorry." She lowered the spray hurriedly. "I was just, er. It – er, and then."

"Everything fine?" Her former teacher asked mildly.

Sakura looked over to where Naruto lay, munching watermelon slices messily while Sasuke puked seruptitiously in the corner.

"Yes. Yes, fine, fine, dandy."

"Growing wine bottles?" Kakashi asked pleasantly.

Sakura looked down. The empty bottles were still there in the bucket. They hadn't been what she'd hoped – i.e. a mirage in the sun.

They were wetter now, maybe.

"YES," she said loudly. "Just growing – just watering –"

"Hey Sasuke, SASUKE," Naruto shouted from the porch, voice carrying easily to where they stood. "What'ya drinkin', Sasuke?"

"Water," Sasuke snarled, casting a dark look at the activity around the watermelon bucket.

It had been the perfect hiding place for his empty bottles, until Sakura had LOOKED there.

"WATER ALWAYS COMES IN CLEAR GLASS BOTTLES, NARUTO," Sakura said shrilly from across the yard. Water pooled around her feet, waterfalling down from the overflowing bucket. "WHAT DID YOU THINK IT WAS, NARUTO, _VODKA_? IT'S NOT _VODKA_, NARUTO_._"

"There also seems to be one watermelon missing?" Kakashi continued as if there had been no interruption.

"No," said Sakura. "Yes. I mean, I think Sasuke - I mean –"

Sasuke muttered something, then threw up again.

"HE SAYS HE THREW IT INTO THE BUSHES," Naruto hollared at them. "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT, Sasuke? Sakura worked HARD on those watermelons – LOOK AT HER, she's still WATERING them and they've been OFF THE VINE for DAYS now – "

Sasuke kicked one of his flip-flops off in the general direction of Naruto's head. It missed him entirely, sailed past and got stuck in the fan.

"VVVVVVZZZZZZZZZZTTT," went the flip-flop in the fan blades.

"Why are there empty bottles in the watermelon bucket, Sasuke?" Kakashi asked mildly over the noise.

Sasuke narrowed his eyes. "You can't see them," he said. "They're NOT THERE."

"OF COURSE THEY'RE NOT," Sakura agreed, smiling at Kakashi brightly, smiling wondrously, smiling brighter than the sun. "THEY'RE NOT ANYWHERE."

"I hid them last night," Sasuke cackled, waving his vodka bottle wildly. "You'll never find them. Never!"

"I see nothing," Kakashi said. "I'll go look for more nothing in the bushes."

"Hey Sasuke," Naruto said happily, munching absentmindedly at a watermelon rind. "Hey SASUKE, I'm BEATING you Sasuke, my bug is TEN POINTS AHEAD."

"Your BRAIN is ten – ten points – " Sasuke stopped, looking green, before bending over and hurling again.

"HAHAHAHA," said Naruto, spraying watermelon bits everywhere.

"I hate everything," said Sasuke, chugging more from the bottle. Sakura just fretted silently as Kakashi searched for the lost watermelon in the bushes.

"I've found it!" Kakashi called, popping up from amidst the shrubbery, slightly bruised watermelon held aloft like a newborn lion cub in the rising Kenyan sun.

"Ha," said Sakura. "Ha, hahaha, haha. Ha."

"OM NOM NOM," said Naruto, picking up another slice of watermelon.


End file.
